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08aug00

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RETURNING BUTTERFLY
16jul00

the eclipse tonight looks like a scary blood moon

a little girl played with her woodduck
and found miniture worlds in old tree stumps
she made paint in rockpools by the ocean out of stones
became a creature in surf, and with the chooks
became accustomed to the rotting smells of scraps and the wet smell of a defecated earth touched with fingers shaped as a beak
the giant cockatoos meant storms and the storms were her grandpa and uncle playing games in heaven
dandelions floating in the air were fluffies and meant it was time to sing songs of love
her hair was long and golden
her small tanned body felt strength in her father
her mother like a clear blue sky over glassy seas
her grandmas house next door past grandpas old wrecked holden which had angry eyes like the angry bus at school
opened up glass doors without steps where her feet hang over the edge and the smell of the ancient pines planted by grandpa come in the breeze
this is her favourite place to draw stories of the animals
the birds and the horses
her place still remains untainted
her family live on as though in an endless dream of blessed life

she comes from a family of butterflies and her name says she is a butterfly of god
daddy embarrasses all of us on caravan holidays in queensland as he chases after the butterflies with his big net
i always looked foreward to watching him put a pin through their living bodies
now i think about my body and there is a pin in my right side
i love to watch tzitza crunch up rodent heads
then i found myself drowning a mouse in my hands
the dead are ravaged by the earths expressions
wind rain and sun shape and form the remnants into its own
and i find myself loving every moment i exist
and i find the future eternal and unchartered so therefore better left unthought
and i find the past emerging like blossoms come and gone but forever rich in my imagination
i went to the bottom of my soulscape and found the puncture
its weight was my greatest experience of self
and its wound my greatest obstacle
small flowers crack concrete
she appeared with a crystalline healing heart
of tecknome breed
offering the guilt i was carrying an exit into recognition
grandfather i carry youre care with tremendous efforts
and tibor sheds the criticism he has suffered upon his daughter
lovingly she hates
lovingly she carries the inherited cross
lovingly she can feel the wound it has inflicted
tears come shedding the guilt and leaving the concentrated creativity
the birthright
the tradition
magyar negymumma nagypappa a rich soup begins its true nourishment inside the burning soul
power burns through
i am doing it
its okay i take the path unto mine own
i love
and they love around me with hate or ecstacy
the women and the men i am with you both
i am you both
ive been training for you
ive learnt to carry thanks to grandfather father strength youve given me mother grandmother
come see come see
i love us she coupled with a moth and found landscapes of desolation away from the paradise of home
the little girl has finally returned and speaks freely to her open eyes
through the eyes of others of love the wind talking trees
all is an endless stream of potentiality once again


GOD IS ALIVE! MAN IS ROLLING AROUND IN THE ASHES
29jun00

angelica sister
real blood
in my eyes
"did you see the
jealousy in my eyes?
where did that
come from?
whoever is far from you is fooled by his eyes.
it is your distance from me that is stuck in my eyes."
marrakesh medina

"open the gateway to god
you deceived me, oh help me,-may peace be upon you...
say, 'welcome!'
you have a good woman gasping in desperation but who lives life honestly.
the musawi, the voyager, destiny of god, gods anguish, the dream of god."

"our good fortune dosent suffice?
if you blame me, you'll see the tears streaming down my face.
let me stay with you, dont go. this is my fate."
halima chedli ensemble

"oh woman, betrayal... heal me and ill be cured.
only after i have seen betrayal can i rest.
im begging you, free woman, i have to get to sleep
from your love will come my good fortune.
wear a dress of light fabric
she was an innocent girl
garnet-red was her colour
her large mouth was sculpted from pure gold
god miraculously gave him provisions and medicine
may he be praised"
halima chedli ensemble the women who ask to be healed through a hadra ceremony

see you on the oceans lap


FOOL
23jun00

i like that hope youre having fun bit
cause im losing it
holidays are on now and im not having fun i am insane
holidays end on the 9th of july and start again on the 28th of august
it dosent fit in with zephyrs birthday and his holidays dont even match mine
hence i am required to remain in wagga
hence no holidays
hence mind crack
hence quit band
hence quit art
hence quit friendship
fucked up in wagga
short flight to nothing
short flight to nothing
nothings up to something
nothings up to something.
28 this year
many extremists dont make it
polarization
come here whenever you want ill be embracing you my angel
angel
angel
angel
angels
angels
angels in death cracked dreams
dreams life
dreamlife
life is a dream
lips that cannot be kissed
a body that cannot be held
hence isolation
brains rocks tones geese waves ice jars oranges
here we are special underwhere

as you can see by my email absence.
the minds delight has remained absent from me during its existence.
i am fucked up failed falling due to an abject malfunction of this machine.
we created a blessedly beautiful contrivance of reading pleasure
that has proceeded to banish from the screen as soon as i pressed send now due to a state of ecstatic spountification through me fingertips.
but here i go again spouting.
in response to pissing upon christ not abject enough i assure you-blatant obviosity.
a word has failed me and the language machine who resides with me.
jiles bannister our genius friend has sent us aural pleasures.
they being computor literate.
blimp blimp lip sinc.
ohoo
it has come to my attention that it would give me great satisfaction to retrace the severed penis episode with several thousand descriptive lines.
i did not know there was method to my madness
but there is cylclit episodes
rythmn method
sonic youth-nyc ghosts and flowers
in the computor there is explicit clarity in listening pleasures active measures
but no ive bin a very bad gerl naughty phonecalls
quittit
lightening strikes meeee down
"deep red corpuscles fornicate in filth chamber
cold stabbing instruments perforate
body as cathartic vehicle
detritus sucked out of skin-form-flesh
tasting pink nectar of severed tendon sunrise"

i am insanity
i am confusion
i am illusion
insane confused delude
i wanna be in 2 places at the same time
i wanna be alone
i wanna love you my friends
i wanna be a creature other than human
lose your mind-what was it anyway?


TRAUMA
09jun00

art trauma is an expression of soul
is anyone really interested in the souls of others?
arent we all selfishly self absorbed?
then why would anyone be interested in the art of other people?
im interested in my own art
im extremely internalised
but arent we all?

i feel my way through others and then thoughts step in to traumatise my innocent soul.
i begin to look back and feel a powerful vertigo of nostalgia.
i see what ive left behind during my passion-filled meanderings.
i begin a grieving process at the beauty and potential now unavailable.
what of these choices?
i made them.
i regret them.
i love them.
i am vanessa after all.

i cannot break the barriers between me and my new fantasy.
there are conditions that now carry the weight of heart mountains.
my desires can overpower me and im left in a stunned sweltering of despair.
i used to just do.
now i can only fall into a state of trauma.
its magic becomes thought of as a destiny in my mind.
a delusion no doubt.

all that remains is trust.
the knowledge that all events arise from the endless love of the universe and bring us the possibility for learning.
its so easy to say.

i want to persist with my powers of concentration.
on your youth and voluptuous lips.
hypnotised corruption.

i like to think about variations.
but thinking is more dangerous tham it seems.
the possibilities for a deluded mind.

"in her face the diagram of bones forms a geometry of murder.
after freuds exploration within the psyche it is now the outer world of reality which must be quantified and eroticised."


creators
sun07may00

where are the six female planetary creator beings to match six masculine planets.BUT BEING A WOMAN I KNOW I FREAK OUT TOO MUCH TO GAIN IMMORTALITY. IF MOST WOMEN ARE AS TEMPORARAL MENTAL AS ME THEN NO WONDER THERES ONLY A FEW GODDESSES

venus is a female immortal at her most fertile. hathor of the egyptian language.

the higher transformation is a female immortal being who has balanced her masculine side and resides in the highest realm of immortals.
she is chiron the doorway into the third realm the magician. the healer.IVE CHANGED MY MIND. CHIRON EMENATES FROM JESUS (HE)(HE)(HE)

the sun is the creation of a male immortal being being named ra in egypt.NO
THE SUN IS WHERE THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE RESIDES SEEING AS ALL THE PLANETS ROTATE AROUND HE(HE)(HE)(HE) he resides with venus in the second realm as her opposite BUT YOURE PROBABLY RIGHT MARS IS THE OPPOSITE OF VENUS RIGHT? at the hight of fertility.

the moon's creator resides in the first realm. she is the uninitiated female and thus akin to lesbian attributes. the emotional body of innocence.AND SHES BLOODY & MOODY
BY THE TIME SHES AN OLD WOMAN SHES READY TO EAT LITTLE CHILDRENsaturns creator is the oldest wise woman and resides also in the first world. she is baba yaga and she initiates the innocent. she also is of lesbian drives.

mercurys creator is the trickster. the flighty the communicator. homoerotic.of the first realm.

mars is sharp and penetrating but has no relationship to female attributes
WHAT BULLSHIT
THE WAY HE RELATES TO FEMALE IS
FUCK YOU

plutos creator is of the highest third realm and has embodied her masculine side. a magical being that governs death and watches over the realm of the dead.SHE RETAINS HER BLOOD

jupitor is born of the third world and brings the greatest fortune. having embodied his feminine side is worthy of making the greatest judgement and brings the greatest fortune and expansion.

nebiru a creation that only enters our sites every 2500 or so years actually does orbit our sun. a being of the second world a fertile male.OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN carrying the seed of life.
AND LET US NOT FORGET OUR MOTHER WHO WE STAND UPON THIS VERY MOMENT AND WHOS BOSOM WE LAY UPON WHEN DECAY IS EMMINENT

neptunes creator is a woman of a vast fertile womb that recieves nebirus seed as she resides also in the second realm.THE WHORE OF THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BIBLICAL DESCRIPTIONS

uranus is a magical being of the third realm and has embodied his feminine side.

humans can become immortal beings after death if they have prepared in this life by belief
faith in the existence of the immortal beings who create life.


natural rythms
sun02apr00

thinking
like a train chugs on seeking new places
on it own tangent
observing
observing.

if what is observed comes from tv care should be taken to avoid mimicry.
the mind is essentially wayward unless disciplinary training of the will is enforced.
the will should direct the mind, not the mind the will.

then suddenly BOOM.
the body is awakened by a startlingly uncontrollable urge and the ideas of the mind are revealed to be shallow and weak in the face of it.

the animal consciousness has its own clock and it says
time for reproduction
seek mate
find strong new seed to create life

its spring and the woman is on heat.


relationship
tue29mar00

man and woman.

an emotional turn opening up the flesh
cutting through new territory.causing anguish, mental torment, a deep rift in the subconscious.

and together they remained.
bonded by a thread a child they move.
new location
new mind set
new flavours, air, eyes, people.

the wound closes up.
a thin layer of veneer between that deep dark dank hole and that clean slate of daily meanderings.

but the woman carefully begins to explore the hole.
years later through creative expression she has learnt the contents of the hole and has no wound.
the man has not

emotional exploration for him has remained at a minimum and the wound is unknown but is still there waiting.

when he accidently falls into the rift of his subconscious fear is awakened.he is out of control.

he has become the emotional carnival he had walked away from years ago.

patterns of reaction to the woman remain the same as if she was the woman she once was.
but she has done her exploration and her emotional body has developed far beyond her previous reactionary young mother body.

she walks away and returns once the monster is once again sleeping.
she explains to him his need for emotional exploration.
if this challenge is not taken then the relationship will eventually break apart.

we needs to grow together.


female rites of passage
sun27mar00

there are a set of tasks that a female needs to experience if they are to complete the transformation from girl to woman.

the women who run with the wolves by clarissa pinkola estes is a female bible.
spiritual texts widespread throughout the world concern a mans outlook on the world and includes a male view of women that falls way short of what reality exemplifies.

first a girl must forego their dependance on the nurturing mother figure in their life.
this can be symbolic (leaving home) or involve literal death, trauma etc.

the girl is left alone and the crude shadows of her own survival fears loom up and threaten to destroy her.
the journeys that open up before her in the shadows must be taken on otherwise she will never learn how to survive.

the unknown path is dark.
she must navigate through unfamiliar environments with only her mothers blessing to guide her.

now she arrives at the core of her testing.
the abode of the wild mother.
the witch baba yaga a womans wild and intuitive animal consciousness.
her abode is not grounded and safe.
it walks on staggering claws and flies about the skies.
baba yaga arrives with venomous threats of death to the intruder, the initiate to be tested.

the tasks set before the girl are irrational and impossible to the uninitiated. but the girl must do as is required of her or she will not survive.

it is again the blessings of the too good mother that help her to endure the tedious task of learning to discriminate this from that.

once the tasks have been accomplished she is allowed to question that vast knowledge contained within the elder self.
the lesson here is not to ask too much, as only the naive who attempt to take on all the knowledge at once, and thus absorb nothing.

given the light into her own subconscious she returns to the path she came in on but with awareness.
she runs on all fours using her now awakened womans intuition to guide her swiftly without fear to recaste new shadows of learing in her life.

that which once threatened her existance pales in the light of her strength as a woman.

the transformation is complete.


melancholy
fri24mar00
MEN AND FOLLY
FFFEMALE
FFFOLLY
DONT FUCKING TELL ME MAN
WOMEN ARE FUCKED
AND YOU CANT ARGUE WITH THAT depression DEEP RECESSION
MIND CRACK
DIG YR CLAWS INTO MY BACK
YOU NEVER WILL WILL YOU


reaction
tue21mar00

nine films in 4 days.
THERE ARE NO GENIUSES HERE SO FUCK OFF
WELL IM GLAD YOU ALL HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL FUCKING TIME
III JUST WANNA BE YR GLOVE
LOOK AFTER ME BE A FATHER TO ME
NOT LIKE DADDY SUGARDADDY HONEY LIPS


interface
wed06mar00
IN YR FACE INTERFACE
I AM IN NUM LOCK
THERE IS CLEAR BUTTON HERE
IF THERE WAS A GO BUTTON ID PRESS IT
BUT NOT A REWIND BUTTOHN
EVERYTHING IN THE PAST IS FUCKED ANYWAY
BUT THERE IS NO GO
I AM READY TO DECAY NOW
UNLESS YOU KISS ME


intention
07mar00

it is not the act itself but the intention that should hold all the weight of judgement.
bad intentions draw towards themselves bad acts.
I AM A BAD INTENTION
but really i am a butterfly of god
give me a sign of your love

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